thank you. so so much for moping up the spilled brine kilometres away.
thank you, for the buoy.
because sometimes things do overwhelm.
misery that crumbles, inexplainable.
but thanks for being there next to Him.

the shape of things to come.
i dont know, next year there will be changes.
people in and out of my life.
maybe i'll be happier this way?
but one more year left. and, and i dont know. i still cant talk to you, properly.
its different, with anyone else, i didnt use to have that problem.
only from you, and another.
enigmatic smile across the wing, and silences on end.
tell me then, what to think.

and i do agree with alvin.
i understand where zili was coming from, but i disagree.
Paul did say, to get one type of people, youve gotta live like them, be like them.
but i refuse, cant i, cant i?
why should we be different, from a pastor just cos we dont seemingly have that many eyes watching me? tell me then if you saw me walking into a pub, hanging arnd kbox, going to clubs and partying, tell me then, what'd you think. call me negative, to run, to flee. but at least i do it. i refuse to land myself in that situation to test my own limits of resisting.
because i dont believe that even occasional contacts wont affect you, that you'd not be lured there, a slippery slope, fallacy really to say sometimes it alright.
because there's no point, dont you see, no point at all if i go somewhere week after week trying to fit in to understand and yet i dont enjoy it and it black-hole my bliss.
because i know, that i wont enjoy this company, and i cant compromise to go just to live up to these titles, these expectations.
im so tired of expectations, of others, of myself. leave me alone. but then again, many times when you feel like telling someone something badly, when you really need to pour out your soul, its then you dont have anyone to talk to, isnt it.
i was watching a pretty year end picture going by, everyone's smiling, happy, absorbed, so much i am your blindspot.
and i just want to thank you, because i always. its, its like this. ive not much appreciated before, many times its like id pass jibes at you and all but hey. thanks, for understanding me enough that your words were the only ones real to me last night even if you didnt know it, i dont think you did. but yea, i was so surprised that it struck a chord in me i couldnt bring myself to acknowledge it. so thank you, and you. for that little bit of solidity amidst the surreal swirling around.